Today I had the pleasure of spending time with my amazing niece. It's amazing to me how I can be in the worst mood and the mere thought of my niece can make me smile. I was happy to accept my sisters offer for my family to have her over night because I knew she'd bring me some happiness during this depressing time. I can't help but smile and laugh when she dances, sings or does something silly. She is only 22 months but talk so much. My asked her where her shoes were and she said in the trunk. I asked her where her cup was and she said I dont know. Even though at times she can become a little hard to handle it's always worth it when she gives a hug or kiss. For someone so small she lights up my world.
Unfortunately if was time for her to go home and the world turned dim again. Lately I have been able to channel all my hurt and depression into my school work. That is both good and bad. It's good i'm getting my school work done but it sucks that once that is over i'm back to looking for something to hide behind. Although I have gotten older I don't think I will ever feel like its ok to just be me and feel what I feel.
I never know how I will tomorrow or what the day will be like. Each day is a struggle in itself but some days run smoother than others. Today was a good and bad day but I am thankful for the good. Today I noticed that in the last few days I haven't had my phone on me. I sadly realized that once again the one person in the world I want to talk to, I can't talk to. This happens all too often and it's hard not to rebuild that invisible wall that once shielded me from the pain. It has taken many years, many tears and tremendous effort to rid myself of that invisible wall. I have survived my past and I know somehow I will get though this difficult time. Alone or not it can be done.
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