How long does it take to heal from childhood abuse?

Today a friend of mine asked me a question and I have been thinking about it all day...

While watching TV my friend leaned over and whispered in my ear a question... How long does it take for someone to heal from something traumatic like childhood abuse?  

As a survivor of childhood abuse I am burdened with flashbacks and dissociation. It is extremely difficult to deal with flashbacks especially when it happens in the presence of friends and family. Far to many times have I startled friends and family with flashbacks. If they know nothing about what I went through then they don't know what is going on. I have learned that it is best to tell my close friends about flashbacks even if I don't tell them exactly what has happened. I am still healing and it is very difficult for me to tell people about my past. My past shames me and I fear others will see that too. This question my friend asked came from me explaining that I had an abusive childhood and that sometimes my senses sense something that takes me back in time to a terrible memory without any warning. I have learned some of my triggers but even when I think there can't possibly another trigger, there is. Learning to cope with flashbacks is part of the healing process. As for her question, I don't know how long the healing process takes. I suspect the healing process will be a life long process. November makes 9 years since the abuse stopped and I have healing slowing since then. I have hope that as time passes I will keep healing, little by little my wounds will heal and fade away. 

Startling facts...

Startling facts...

• 1 in 4 girls will be sexually abused by the age of 18.
• More than 90% of abusers are people children know, love or trust.
• There are more than 39 million survivors of sexual abuse in America.
• More than 60% of pregnant teens have been sexually abused. 
• 20% of child sexual abuse victims are under the age of 8. (d2l.org)

 I guess if there is ever a statistic to be apart of 1 of the 39 million survivors is the statistic to be apart of. The sad thing is this is only a rough number because so many cases never get reported.


 

Second guessing myself

I am a strong person. I know this because I have seen myself overcome some terrible situations. My childhood wasn't very good. I had a father that felt like it was okay to hurt me and because of that I am faced with the aftermath of what he did. One of the things I hate most about my past is that it sneaks up on me sometimes when I least expect it. Only someone who has been through what I have can understand how it feels to be taken back in time by something as simple of a smell. It really sucks that a smell can make me feel like the small, weak child that I was once upon a time. I sometimes wonder if I'll be dealing with this when I'm 50. Will the my past stop haunting me at some point in time or will I never escape it? All I can do is take one day at time and see where my life leads me.

In a country across the sea

A little story...

Far far away in country across the sea is a college. In that college there is a dorm where my friend sits and at this very moment chatting with me on Skype. Some may ask...why is this friend across the sea? I would tell them that the friend across the sea is achieving greatness...its true...education leads to greatness :-) Let me tell you a little about my friend across the sea. She is kind, caring, lazy when she wants to be, pretty, tall and very amusing. She is the type of person you feel lucky to have in your life. I don't have a whole bunch of friends but each one that I have is very special to me.

Mixed Emotions to go Along With a Mixed Day.

Today I had the pleasure of spending time with my amazing niece. It's amazing to me how I can be in the worst mood and the mere thought of my niece can make me smile. I was happy to accept my sisters offer for my family to have her over night because I knew she'd bring me some happiness during this depressing time. I can't help but smile and laugh when she dances, sings or does something silly. She is only 22 months but talk so much. My asked her where her shoes were and she said in the trunk. I asked her where her cup was and she said I dont know. Even though at times she can become a little hard to handle it's always worth it when she gives a hug or kiss. For someone so small she lights up my world.

Unfortunately if was time for her to go home and the world turned dim again. Lately I have been able to channel all my hurt and depression into my school work. That is both good and bad. It's good i'm getting my school work done but it sucks that once that is over i'm back to looking for something to hide behind. Although I have gotten older I don't think I will ever feel like its ok to just be me and feel what I feel.

I never know how I will tomorrow or what the day will be like. Each day is a struggle in itself but some days run smoother than others. Today was a good and bad day but I am thankful for the good. Today I noticed that in the last few days I haven't had my phone on me. I sadly realized that once again the one person in the world I want to talk to,  I can't talk to. This happens all too often and it's hard not to rebuild that invisible wall that once shielded me from the pain. It has taken many years, many tears and tremendous effort to rid myself of that invisible wall. I have survived my past and I know somehow I will get though this difficult time. Alone or not it can be done.

Where to begin?

I guess to start, I should say that I have never written a blog before. You may wonder... Why now? What do you hope to gain from writing a blog? Well let me attempt to explain...

I am 24 years old, going to turn 25 in November. I've been battling the past for as long as I can remember. Now my 25th birthday is coming up and I feel like I'm losing myself in what I never had the chance to become. Sounds weird or even crazy but I feel like had I not been a victim then maybe I'd be the kind of person who can freely express who they are or maybe feel they are worth something or belong somewhere. Instead I'm faced with what was and what may never be. I struggle daily with the results of my abusers actions. I am 24 years old and I just want to live, I just want to figure out who I am. I hope to gain some sort of clarity in my life, I hope for some closure, at the very least some hope that someone out there will read this and find that they are not alone in there struggles too.